The Six Month Milestone

Here I am, unbelievably, at the 6 month post treatment milestone. For those you who have been through treatment either yourself or with someone you know, you probably know the swirling mass of emotions that accompany the wait for the blood work results.
In my world, everyone I know who did not maintain SVR post treatment found out at the 6 month follow up, hence the term "Milestone"
Naturally I am a bit anxious. Really I just want to know. In times of uncertainty people often declare that even bad news is better than no news.
Having had the kind of childhood that was frequently wrought with elements of unpredictability and a fair amount of instability, I developed the coping skills of magical thinking and a personal type of superstition as an attempt to predict and control my environment. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst can be a reasonable adaptive technique, and yet is subject to the individuals state of mind and sense of self at the time. If I were feeling unworthy, down on myself and resigned to a life of struggle, I would spend far more time preparing for the worst. On a particularly optimistic, self confident day I may dare to hope for a positive outcome-because I may actually believe I deserve it.
In the real world however, even though a positive attitude can boost the body's healing processes the bottom line is either the treatment works or it doesn't. By now my body has made that decision and the only way it can tell me is via the results of my blood test. I have an appointment on Wednesday Aug 3 to have a discussion with my Nurse Practitioner, my blood and me. Until then I have no control or influence over the outcome.
I know that ultimately I will be okay no matter what the results tell me. My blood work has been returning to normal and I assume that means my body is functioning as it should be. My physical and emotional health continue to improve and my memory and cognitive functions are reasonably acceptable for someone with my history. My health is good enough that if I am faced with the decision of another attempt at treatment I can probably wait a few years. I have a wonderful supportive partner, a beautiful and funny family, a few good friends and 2 dogs and 2 cats who grace me with their company. I have hobbies and activities that I enjoy and I feel that now and then I am able to contribute something useful and meaningful to society. All in all life is pretty good and I am grateful for the people animals and opportunities that I have. Regardless of the test results I am a pretty lucky woman.

Image courtesy of i RainbowCupcake via photobucket

http://s495.photobucket.com/home/iRainbowCupcake

2010-2011 Jennifer Hazard

More ups and Downs of Post Treatment

When deciding to post this morning I was surprised to see how long it had been since I last added to this blog. Time flies when you're having fun, as they say, and although I am still experiencing the effects of 48 weeks of treatment, I am slowly feeling better.
I also no longer spend 90% of my time in bed with only my laptop and pets for company. When I look back at that time, I realize there was something to be gained from the isolation. It was a kind of spiritual retreat, a Vision Quest in a sense. I came to terms with my own mortality, a giant developmental step for anyone in Mid-life. I learned how to be alone with my thoughts which nurtured my creativity as I searched for ways to express the turmoil that was raging inside a body that was too sick and tired to let anything out in a way that required physical effort or social interaction.
I'm also realizing now that the long road back to Me, is really a blank canvas which is both an end and a beginning, another chapter in the ongoing story of living with Hep C. I feel as if the old me is molting like a bird, and I am left to pluck off the feathers that no longer serve a purpose and carefully groom the ones I need to help me fly. I can't fly too far yet, but day by day I practice. Sometimes I return to my nest exhausted, in need of more rest and recuperation. Rebuilding one's self is no easy task, and my mind, body and spirit have taken a beating. Sometimes I want to fall into the Victim role (it's so easy and familiar!) but I choose not to take on the role. I am not a Hero either, but more of an Adventurer or Seeker as I traverse the path to recovery.
I am looking for a road map to help me on my journey, I read so much about Hep C and treatment while immersed in the experience, for a while I was saturated with Hep C information and needed to separate myself. Now as I realize the trip doesn't end with that last shot of Interferon I'll be looking for guides to help me along the way as I recover. If anyone knows of any books, blogs, websites etc. that are dedicated to the story of post treatment please do share and I will use the information well. And of course I will pass it on to others who are on the same path.
Thanks all!
Peace and Good Health,
Jenny
Image courtesy of the Graphics Fairy
http://www.graphicsfairy.blogspot.com/
© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

The Wheels in my Brain go Round and Round...

Hello Everyone,
Well, here I am at about 2 and a half months after treatment. Just as while I was on treatment I'm avoiding calendar watching which invariably leads to obsession and distress. The obsession at this point in the journey becomes thay magical 6 month blood test, the generally agreed upon determination of whether this beast has been slain.
I've got to give myself credit for not devoting excessive time to wondering and worrying about it. This is becoming easier as I gradually start to feel better, less toxic, less like I've been awake for days in a row. Bits and pieces of Me are returning, in their own time and at their own pace. Today I ran up the stairs without becoming breathless; on treatment it was a struggle to even walk up the stairs. I still sleep a lot and experience brief episodes of sudden , unexplained malaise and apathy, but they seem to pass quickly.

My most dreaded fear was that my memory and thought processes would remain at the grinding halt they have been stalled in for the past year. I constantly surprise myself in conversation when I can actually remember the name of the movie I'm discussing or the author of a novel or a million other details that seemed to be lost in the fog forever. I still forget where I left my keys or the dogs leash or to do some little task I had wanted to complete, but that's fairly typical for me anyway. I've always relied on to do lists to get things done   as long as I don't lose the to do list!
I felt like an absolute genius when helping my son with a crossword puzzle the other day, the answers were just there. I remember hearing that games like crosswords are very good at keeping one's mind sharp as we grow older. I suspect the same might apply to getting one's mind back in working order after treatment. Just as we can strengthen our bodies by exercise, or running up the stairs, we can reawaken our brains by putting them to work. Does anyone else have hobbies or activities that get the wheels moving in your brain?

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

Hep C and Addiction; Parallel Universes?

Hi everyone,
I do hope my friends are well whether, pre-treatment, in treatment, post treatment, opting our of treatment or anywhere else along the Hep continuum. And what a continuum it is!
The one thing we share in common, the disease, can be as unique and complex as anyone it plants it's prolific little cells into. I've recently been realizing that living with and attempting to recovery from Hep C [I still haven't hit the magic 6 month milestone] has a lot in common with recovery from addiction.

• It does not discriminate, anyone can fall prey to addiction or Hep C.
• A result of the first point is that people who would otherwise not have even known each other often develop a special bond than is born of struggle and isolation.
• There are Universal emotions, physical manifestations and social consequences [stigma] and yet the way we perceive and cope with these Universalities as unique as our individual capacities.
• Accepting the reality of our condition usually takes a considerable amount of time.
• The decision we must make regarding how we will deal with our problem is fraught with confusion, anxiety and fear; which is often only complicated by the well meaning but often ill informed and conflicting advice from others.
• Treatment sucks.
• We learn a lot about ourselves during treatment, but because it sucks we often don't realize it until much later.
• Other people neglect to tell us that it's going to take quite some time to feel better.
• The relapse rates are generally higher than the success rates.

We're all in this together!

So why on Earth do we go this?

Hope, and because know we are not alone.

We may stumble, we may fall...but we will not surrender.

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

Post Treatment Realities part II

still lazing around in bed....

Well, I seem to be at a loss for words, not only because the brain fog hasn't entirely lifted but because I do want to be delicate in how I state what it is I want to say. I will enclose a link to my friend Eva Day's blog because I believe she has summed up so precisely what I seem to be experiencing in my first weeks after EOT. I will include the big disclaimer that everyone's experience is unique, but as with treatment itself,  there are also seems to be a startling number of similarities and shared experiences in the post treatment months.
One of the more inevitable is the anxiety that accompanies the wait for lab results. Of course if we've been clear of the virus throughout most of treatment, chances are we'll be that way a week after ending, after all the nasty meds are still running thick in our blood. It is in the later blood tests that we must anxiously wait to see if we have achieved the goal of SVR. I had requested a one month follow up because I know myself and my tendency to obsess over things like this. My doctor was kind enough to indulge me and I skipped off to the lab last week in hopes of finding some peace of mind; even bad news, as they say, is better than no news. Perhaps ironically the lab tech did every test except the viral level, so yesterday I took myself off to the lab and got another poke in the arm. My nurse Practitioner must have really railed on the tech because when she saw me she was quick to avoid my eyes and left the room. I felt kind of bad for her, a dedicated patient advocate can be very passionate, shall we say, about their work.
Now it's a few days of waiting, again. Thankfully my doctors clinic is affiliated with a large hospital and the blood work can be done on site.
There's a part of me deep down inside that has a feeling that I have not cleared the virus. I don't know if it's a result of a lifelong pattern of coping with the uncertain by always preparing for the worst, or something else. It may be the fact that I still don't feel "better", at least not as "better" as I'd like to be.
Whatever it is, I have learned through treatment and other challenging life experiences, that worrying changes nothing but one's own contentment and the best we can do is, as they used to say back in the day, is to "keep on truckin"
Wishing You all a happy, restful weekend!

Here's Eva's link  http://evaday.blogspot.com/2011/03/hcv-and-next-taboo-shadows-beyond.html?showComment=1300984661807#c2683809668847465530



© 2011 Jennifer Hazard