For What it's Worth

Week 40 (roughly) and I do mean roughly. I no longer recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I have lost
 35 lbs, I already have a thin face which now seems skeletal at certain angles. I've cut my hair the shortest it's been since the Punk era. I don't bother to put on make up anymore so the circles under my eyes are making their own fashion statement. You don't even want to know what's going on under my clothes, let's just say I've aged quite a bit this past year.
When I run into people that I haven't seen for a while, I can see the skepticism in their eyes when they ask "are you sure it's worth it? for a coin toss?"
 Is it worth it?
Who really knows? If I achieve SVR of course it will be worth it. If I slow down the progression of the disease, yeah probably worth it. If I don't clear the virus? Who knows? Who knows what progression the virus would've taken if I hadn't treated? This is a quirky disease, it doesn't play by the rules, you never know when it's going to sneak up on you...or not.
But isn't that the way life is, really? Are there any certainties? Decisions have to be made on a daily basis, some bigger than others.When you are faced with a chronic medical condition, some choices have more at stake.
After lots of research, conversations with  others who've been through this, meeting with my doctors and completing all the testing (I'll never forget 15 vials of blood at the lab) I ultimately went with my intuition when deciding to treat. I've learned to trust my gut, most of this education was bestowed upon me as a result of the consequences of not trusting my gut! Once I have made a decision, I typically don't look back. I may end up changing my course somewhere down the road but once my mind is set the wheels are in motion and there's nowhere to go but forward. Granted I've made some, shall we say, unwise decisions in my days, but I've made some damn good ones too. Everything that has manifested is, I believe, part of the lesson I'm here on this earth to learn.
So is it worth it?

Of course

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

may cause, fatigue, weight loss and Existential Angst

I had my 6 month follow up with the Gastroentologist yesterday. I usually try to arrive prepared with what ever questions have been buzzing around my head recently.  I had asked ahead of time for them to count how many weeks I've put behind me and how many left to go.
When I arrived at my appointment I must have looked as vacant and vulnerable as I felt, because the nurses were especially compassionate. They  are always very caring and thorough, but they went the extra mile this time.  I've been having a few really difficult days, headaches, emotional turmoil, no appetite and financial concerns, so I was already dragging.  To add to my pre-existing frumpiness, all my jeans hang off me like some Urban teenage boy, only without the cool and swagger; quite a different view on on 51 year old white lady. Naturally first part of the visit was to get weighed, I lost five more pounds. Ironic, I've always been conscious about my weight, nearly to the point of anorexia in my younger years; but in the last year or two I've come to appreciate my middle aged body and even gave away my "skinny jeans" (thus reinforcing my pathological obsession with hanging on to nearly everything 'in case someone needs it someday') The next bit of news was that although my hemoglobin had gotten to a reasonable level, 10, after a few weeks of  'the-shots I-can-never-remember-the-name-of', it was now back down around 8. I had suspected this because I've found myself becoming more easily winded again.
So here I am at week 28 (if I was geno 2 or 3 I'd be home by now) instead my eta is sometime in January, I could figure the exact date but I'm not going to just yet.
Whatever it is it's not soon enough. My Doctor, who I do enjoy, spent about a good half hour giving me a pep talk..."more than halfway through".."you'll clear this forever"...you'll return to the old you within days of stopping treatment" with all due respect to, and belief in, the power of positive thinking....I'm well aware that there's somewhere between 30 and 50% chance the virus will return within a year or two, if not sooner and most of the people I know who have been through treatment report that it took months to feel better. Somewhere between Pollyannaish optimism and complete nihilism there exists an entire web of possibility. I usually believe in some combination of destiny and self-determination, but lately I often feel too tired, too vacant to throw my cards on the cosmic blackjack table of self determination  vs. Destiny, aka, the Dealer. For today anyway, I''m paying my respects and giving homage to Lady Luck to play a few hands for me.
© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
image courtesy of 'TheGraphics Fairy", graphicsfairy.blogspot.com/