the fog just got a little thicker

In my last post I talked about the difficulty in seeing the light at he end of the tunnel, the longed for EOT (end of treatment) date. I thought that date, for me, was in early February. Throughout my treatment I have avoided keeping close track of the timing. I know myself well enough to know that would lead me into familiar old patterns of obsession, frustration and the lovely bind of self indulgence;  picking at the wounds and wallowing in self pity for the scar that was created. So knowing this about myself, my penchant for teenage like angst, I decided to take the high road and simply get through this without minding the calendar.
Until recently that is... I'm really ready to be done with this. The physical and emotional toll is like being under a pile of rocks which each day has one more rock added to the pile. So at my last visit for my procrit shot I asked the my nurse for the actual EOT date. We had both thought it was sometime in February, but the news that it's actually one full month later was, well like having a couple of wheelbarrows of rocks heaped on the pile all at once.
To get through this, I bargain with myself, and I've been telling myself, Self, it's only a little over a month, we can do this. That day in the nurses office that part of myself I coddle and and bribe and cajole along pretty much collapsed into a pile of tears like a little kid. You know how they do it, as if their bones suddenly dissolved and their tear ducts have an automatic "drama alarm" which sets off an instant prolific flow. Meanwhile, Grown Up me ignores the kid having a fit in the corner, puts on her Mommy "everything is going to be ok face" and drags the snot faced boneless Little Jenny home.
Fast forward a couple of days and as is the course of nature the inevitable push and pull between Little Jenny and Mom Jenny gives rise to Angsty Adolescent Jenny! Ta Da!
My Therapist once described me as The Eternal Teenager. I was not offended at all, and not because of our youth oriented, plastic surgery obsessed culture. I admire teenagers, I've spent most of my life working with them. I love them for their defiance, their mistakes, their question authority attitude and their fierce quest to find themselves. Individuation, they call it, and it drives parents crazy.
One of the things that gets teenagers into trouble is they have a limited capacity to see the future, they live in the  moment, be it good or crappy. Sound familiar? Remember that fog that has been obscuring the "after treatment" possibilities? Well on that day in the nurses office the fog just rolled in a little thicker as Angsty Teenage Jenny took  over.
That's where I've been the past couple of days. Pissed off at the world. I watch the news and not only am I pissed at what I see, but I'm pissed at the way it's reported. I try to watch some videos of some of my favorite music and I realize two thirds of the musicians are dead...overdoses, car accidents you know the life.
I think I need to let go of the angst and just let that little kid cry and cry, but I'm afraid it won't stop.
I know this will pass, it always does, but for today I'm going to indulge my misery for a bit...I haven't decided how, but I don't have it in me to watch pretty little Marc Bolan and remember how his life was cut short by a car smashing into a tree. He didn't even drive.
xo
Jenny
© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

Miss Cranky Pants

Hello All,

So yesterday was shot number....hell, I don't know; feels like one too many though. I must say I've generally been feeling a bit better lately, especially emotionally. I have been able to view this experience through a wider lens and instead of feeling trapped inside every aching moment  I've reminded myself that hardship has the potential to allow us to gain wisdom. (if that's the case I should be some sort of Guru by now) But seriously we only gain wisdom if we choose it; we can choose to become bitter, angry, resentful...you know the list. I've realized however that part of being wise is acknowledging the fact that we are not perfect, we are not Gurus, we don't know it all and we don't walk around in a Blessed State of Serenity, at least not all the time. Acceptance is perhaps the better part of wisdom (that may be an actual quote that's been floating around in my subconscious, if so I apologize for not giving credit)
So today, I'm allowing myself to be pissed. I'm pissed that I'm having a bad day and an experiencing "flu like symptoms" and I'm hungry and too sick to go to the grocery store and I'm pissed that I feel whiny. So there.
One thing I have figured out, on the emotional/psychological front, is that there are days I wake up feeling like crap, but I can push through it and end up having a decent day. Mornings are the worst for me, until I get something to eat, some coffee and water, I think I'm sick. For a long time I only listened to my morning self, not a trusty source, and just didn't do anything. I'm always pleasantly surprised when I find out that Morning Jenny, aka Miss Cranky Pants, is wrong, she's just being cranky and not wanting to get out of bed.
But then there are other days, like today, where I ignore miss Cranky Pants and go try to accomplish something only to realize I feel like I'm about to keel over or throw up, in no certain order. Today is one of those days.
One more boulder on the climb to the top of the mountain where the Wise old Guru sits,  laughing at the Human Comedy.

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
Photo of Crabby Girl courtesy of the Graphics Fairy,
http://graphicsfairy.blogspot.com/