My walk to the store as a metaphor

Wind chill minus 9, snow piled 3 to 4 feet high in some areas and I’m out of food and cigarettes. This means a walk to the store is inevitable. Here in the final weeks of treatment and have so little left to give, physically. I become exhausted and achy after the most routine activity, doing dishes, cleaning up around the house, taking the dog out. Needless to say I’m not thrilled about the thought of this walk. I postpone for an hour then realize the sun is heading west. It will only be colder after dark, and the patches of ice will be undetectable. So I “buck up”, eat some Cheerios with ensure and bundle up warmly. My son and his dog accompany my as we set out on our arctic journey. The dog, Mitzy, is half husky and tolerates the cold, my little dog; a Shih-tsu/terrier mix stays home. When I first step out into the frigid air my muscles tighten, I brace myself. A block from the house, I’m short of breath and want to sit down. Since I know that’s not an option, I take a deep belly breath and pace my steps. My muscles start to relax. I can feel my blood flowing I start to adjust to the cold (as much as anyone can at that temperature). The corner store is only 4 blocks away but on some treatment days it feels like miles. By the time we’re halfway there I’ve got a decent pace going, my son and I are talking and laughing, Mitzy is happily trotting along picking up scents to see who’s been around.

I hang in there quite well and although the sun is sailing toward the horizon it is bright and feels warming. The corner store is a fairly typical urban corner store. Narrow aisles are lined with cluttered shelves containing products arranged in no particular order. If you can find it, you can fulfill most of your basic needs whatever they may be. Along with milk, bread and basic family needs like diaper, toilet paper, 7 day candles and mouse traps you can find herbal “all night long” potion, rolling papers, whatever clever novelty gift is being used to make crack pipes and pretty much any kind of liquor you can imagine. It’s always an adventure in cultural irony.

By the time we get home I’m tired, but it’s a good tired. The kind of tired you feel when you’ve accomplished something, not the kind of tired you feel when you’ve been lying around the house with no motivation or interest. I know that kind of tired all too well lately. I realize I enjoy the other kind of tired. I appreciate it.

I know a four block round trip walk isn’t exactly Olympian, hell I used to walk miles a day no matter what the weather; but everything is relative. Today overcoming my resistance “bucking up”, doing what I had to do and enjoying it felt like a Gold Medal achievement.

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

Miss Cranky Pants

Hello All,

So yesterday was shot number....hell, I don't know; feels like one too many though. I must say I've generally been feeling a bit better lately, especially emotionally. I have been able to view this experience through a wider lens and instead of feeling trapped inside every aching moment  I've reminded myself that hardship has the potential to allow us to gain wisdom. (if that's the case I should be some sort of Guru by now) But seriously we only gain wisdom if we choose it; we can choose to become bitter, angry, resentful...you know the list. I've realized however that part of being wise is acknowledging the fact that we are not perfect, we are not Gurus, we don't know it all and we don't walk around in a Blessed State of Serenity, at least not all the time. Acceptance is perhaps the better part of wisdom (that may be an actual quote that's been floating around in my subconscious, if so I apologize for not giving credit)
So today, I'm allowing myself to be pissed. I'm pissed that I'm having a bad day and an experiencing "flu like symptoms" and I'm hungry and too sick to go to the grocery store and I'm pissed that I feel whiny. So there.
One thing I have figured out, on the emotional/psychological front, is that there are days I wake up feeling like crap, but I can push through it and end up having a decent day. Mornings are the worst for me, until I get something to eat, some coffee and water, I think I'm sick. For a long time I only listened to my morning self, not a trusty source, and just didn't do anything. I'm always pleasantly surprised when I find out that Morning Jenny, aka Miss Cranky Pants, is wrong, she's just being cranky and not wanting to get out of bed.
But then there are other days, like today, where I ignore miss Cranky Pants and go try to accomplish something only to realize I feel like I'm about to keel over or throw up, in no certain order. Today is one of those days.
One more boulder on the climb to the top of the mountain where the Wise old Guru sits,  laughing at the Human Comedy.

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
Photo of Crabby Girl courtesy of the Graphics Fairy,
http://graphicsfairy.blogspot.com/

Thanksgiving and all that

Hello everyone,
I hope you all had a pleasant holiday however you choose to acknowledge it. As always my kids and I did ours on Wednesday then they go to their Dad's on Thursday. We had a nice meal and I was having a "good" day in terms of energy level. My son prepared nearly the entire meal and my daughter did all the cleanup. I started to protest but it occurred to me that for all the bitching I do about lack of support for people on treatment I should just relax and be THANKFUL that they did all the work. One family tradition we have is that as we sit down to eat everyone lists things for which they are thankful, and I was truly thankful for my family. They don't always get it when I'm exhausted or sick, but how could they really? they are 17 and 19 as I recall at that age one's capacity for empathy is still developing. In fact I believe that although the seeds are planted in early life, empathy is a trait which develops over an entire lifetime-hopefully.
Today was not such a good day, I felt terrible all day, neck ache, headache, nausea and just generally feeling out of it. It seems to go that way, a good day or two followed by feeling like crap. I'm in my 9th month of treatment now and starting to feel very toxic, and really have had just about enough. But two months to go and it will be over; then begins the 6 month trial period to see if I attain SVR. I honestly try not to have too many expectations one way of another. We hear a lot of people talk about the power of positive thought in the healing process and although I do firmly believe this myself I find it difficult to apply specifically to healing my Hep C. I feel that, for me, it's probably more productive and healing to maintain positive perspective in general and that will extend to my physical well being. I tend to get a bit obsessive and if I were to spend hours sitting around focusing on my liver, I think it would do more harm than good. But that's just me, and my way of doing things. Other than coping with side effects and participating in education, support and advocacy (mostly online) I try not to think about it too much. I don't countdown the weeks until EOT I couldn't even guess how many shots I've done (although I could figure it out if I wanted to) and even following my lab results I only pay attention to what is absolutely necessary.
This process of managing side effects is enough of a task all by itself, as far as the rest, what will be will be. Because this is such a difficult process and for me the sides have been pretty bad, I appreciate having a day to remind us to focus on things for which we are Grateful, it's good practice for every day!
© 2010 Jennifer Hazard