The Journey Ahead, keep pushing!

"When you find yourself in Hell, just keep going" Winston Churchill

What better advice for anyone of treatment! I initially thought of childbirth when I first saw this quote. For anyone who has had a baby you know there comes a point where it's pretty unbearable, but you realize the only way out is through. So you push through the pain to get that baby out! In that situation there's no option to stay put in your misery (as with depression, addiction or other slower painful experiences) Treatment is similar in a sense. Of course there is always the option to give up, to say forget it I can't take this anymore I'm quitting", but ultimately most people decide that since they've already endured some misery they might as well keep going hoping for a positive end result. Just as we get through childbirth one contraction at a time, one push at a time, we get through treatment one day at a time, one week at a time, sometimes one hour at a time...but as long as we keep pushing on we find ourselves out the other end reborn and with a whole new stage of life ahead of us.
I'm saying this in hopes of providing some encouragement, some "labor coaching" for all of you who are in that dark place where you question your ability to continue. Breathe deep, find a focal point and remember at the end there is a new life.




© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

EOT...Continued

Hello Fellow Hep C-ers.
 As I mentioned in my last post I was a little dismayed by the grindingly slow return to some kind of normalcy, or at least functionality not being one to be known for "normalcy"
As of today a month has passed since my last interferon shot and I can say I am starting to feel some bits and pieces of Jenny waking up from their 11 month slumber, slowly squinting their eyes against the light, stretching our limbs and thinking about what lies ahead.
For the past week I have been out of the house at least once daily, I have done some house work at least once daily and have gotten caught up on some paperwork and correspondences that I'd been putting off for quite some time. I have gone out for coffee and on other small journeys with friends and family and I spent an entire day protesting in Madison Wisconsin.
That may not sound like a lot to most people, or to people who haven't experienced health problems, but as many of you know this is a virtual flurry of social activity compared to the past year. As I write this I feel ready to doze off. I just completed a post for my other blog and had spent the morning at my daughters house, after walking quite a distance to the bus and them came home to a delicious meal. As I mentioned in my last post this is a matter of balancing renewed activity with proper self care and rest. I can see how it would be easy to suddenly jump into action only to end up worn out or sick. as it is I've already had an ear infection and now have an abscessed tooth and am on antibiotics. But some of that is to be expected, even under "normal" conditions...and so we move forward, one day at a time, re-emerging into a new phase of life

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

Eeeeee OOOhhhhh Teeeeeee

This title violates all the blogging rules of making your tile "searchable" and "drawing in the readers interest", unless of course you have experience with treatment and you know that it means...END OF TREATMENT!
Can you tell I'm just a little bit happy?
I was thinking back to when I first started out on this long bumpy fog covered road, with only bits and pieces of a road map, like something a pirate would bury, hiding its elusive treasure.  I found support systems online, The Hep C Nomads, Hepatitis Advocacy, The Liver Foundation, Facebook groups and more. I read posts from people who were where I am now, finally, blessedly at the end of the road and slowly coming out of the fog. I felt happy for them, and proud for them that they had made it through 48 weeks of basically being a stranger in your own body. But I found it nearly impossible to picture myself at that point, emerging from the place I was in, a place that felt out of time, out of sync with the rest of the world; a strange kind of limbo where nothing feels real. I could not see the end from "in there"
I read the words of encouragement from others who had made it through to the other side and even though it seemed so far away I was glad for the voices from the other side, the hope and strength they offered. I will always be grateful for everyone who has been with me on this journey. People in other countries who I have never met in "real life" who have given so much of themselves when they were so sick it was hard to even sit at the computer long enough to post. This is an amazing community and I intend to stick around to give back what I've been given, not out of obligation but of gratitude and great respect for everyone who travels this journey together holding hands through the fog.
I think I'm going to go shed a few tears now :)
Thank You all so much, words cannot describe what your support has meant to me.
Peace and Love to you all!
Jenny



© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

Isn't life Ironic?

Hello Everyone!

Last post I addressed the sense of Victimization that some of experience when faced with challenges. For some of us, yes me, the Victim role is like an old comfy piece of clothing. It's comfortable, but out of style and threadbare; it's no longer flattering or particularly useful. And yet, you can't bring yourself to throw it away.

When I got the news yesterday that my end of treatment date is Feb 11th naturally I was relieved. Finally an end to this crazy sick fever dream I've been living in for most of the past year. And yet I found myself feeling, well, a little afraid. I realized that when treatment ends that means I have to venture into my proverbial closet and find a new outfit and it can't be the comfy cloak of Victimhood that I have, quite honestly, donned too often throughout the past year.

After freaking out about that for a while I realized for the 100,00th time that panic has never made any situation more manageable. I don't have to have all the answers yet. I still need time to recover, to (hopefully) get my thought processes a little more clear and if I keep following my heart I will know what's right for me.

I also realized that I've been feeling a little pressured by others, some well meaning, others critical and judgmental, that there is this expectation that I will return to work and life will be normal. Frankly I don't see myself working full time, but I may have some opportunities for flexible work. Disability allows recipients a certain number of hour’s employment, and if I could supplement my fixed income a bit, feel useful and still have time for my writing and self care. I think I'd be living a pretty sweet life. It's an empty page, not empty but filled with notes, scribbles and ideas. I like to think of myself as an explorer, an adventurer seeking to discover my own passage, my own path to the next chapter. When I look at it that way, as opposed to the confused, frightened Victim I realize I can take that little girl by the hand and say "hey kid, it's gonna be ok, I'm gonna show you the world and you'll never have to be afraid again.

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
Image Courtesy of The Graphics Fairy