The Wheels in my Brain go Round and Round...

Hello Everyone,
Well, here I am at about 2 and a half months after treatment. Just as while I was on treatment I'm avoiding calendar watching which invariably leads to obsession and distress. The obsession at this point in the journey becomes thay magical 6 month blood test, the generally agreed upon determination of whether this beast has been slain.
I've got to give myself credit for not devoting excessive time to wondering and worrying about it. This is becoming easier as I gradually start to feel better, less toxic, less like I've been awake for days in a row. Bits and pieces of Me are returning, in their own time and at their own pace. Today I ran up the stairs without becoming breathless; on treatment it was a struggle to even walk up the stairs. I still sleep a lot and experience brief episodes of sudden , unexplained malaise and apathy, but they seem to pass quickly.

My most dreaded fear was that my memory and thought processes would remain at the grinding halt they have been stalled in for the past year. I constantly surprise myself in conversation when I can actually remember the name of the movie I'm discussing or the author of a novel or a million other details that seemed to be lost in the fog forever. I still forget where I left my keys or the dogs leash or to do some little task I had wanted to complete, but that's fairly typical for me anyway. I've always relied on to do lists to get things done   as long as I don't lose the to do list!
I felt like an absolute genius when helping my son with a crossword puzzle the other day, the answers were just there. I remember hearing that games like crosswords are very good at keeping one's mind sharp as we grow older. I suspect the same might apply to getting one's mind back in working order after treatment. Just as we can strengthen our bodies by exercise, or running up the stairs, we can reawaken our brains by putting them to work. Does anyone else have hobbies or activities that get the wheels moving in your brain?

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

Hep C and Addiction; Parallel Universes?

Hi everyone,
I do hope my friends are well whether, pre-treatment, in treatment, post treatment, opting our of treatment or anywhere else along the Hep continuum. And what a continuum it is!
The one thing we share in common, the disease, can be as unique and complex as anyone it plants it's prolific little cells into. I've recently been realizing that living with and attempting to recovery from Hep C [I still haven't hit the magic 6 month milestone] has a lot in common with recovery from addiction.

• It does not discriminate, anyone can fall prey to addiction or Hep C.
• A result of the first point is that people who would otherwise not have even known each other often develop a special bond than is born of struggle and isolation.
• There are Universal emotions, physical manifestations and social consequences [stigma] and yet the way we perceive and cope with these Universalities as unique as our individual capacities.
• Accepting the reality of our condition usually takes a considerable amount of time.
• The decision we must make regarding how we will deal with our problem is fraught with confusion, anxiety and fear; which is often only complicated by the well meaning but often ill informed and conflicting advice from others.
• Treatment sucks.
• We learn a lot about ourselves during treatment, but because it sucks we often don't realize it until much later.
• Other people neglect to tell us that it's going to take quite some time to feel better.
• The relapse rates are generally higher than the success rates.

We're all in this together!

So why on Earth do we go this?

Hope, and because know we are not alone.

We may stumble, we may fall...but we will not surrender.

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

Post Treatment Realities part II

still lazing around in bed....

Well, I seem to be at a loss for words, not only because the brain fog hasn't entirely lifted but because I do want to be delicate in how I state what it is I want to say. I will enclose a link to my friend Eva Day's blog because I believe she has summed up so precisely what I seem to be experiencing in my first weeks after EOT. I will include the big disclaimer that everyone's experience is unique, but as with treatment itself,  there are also seems to be a startling number of similarities and shared experiences in the post treatment months.
One of the more inevitable is the anxiety that accompanies the wait for lab results. Of course if we've been clear of the virus throughout most of treatment, chances are we'll be that way a week after ending, after all the nasty meds are still running thick in our blood. It is in the later blood tests that we must anxiously wait to see if we have achieved the goal of SVR. I had requested a one month follow up because I know myself and my tendency to obsess over things like this. My doctor was kind enough to indulge me and I skipped off to the lab last week in hopes of finding some peace of mind; even bad news, as they say, is better than no news. Perhaps ironically the lab tech did every test except the viral level, so yesterday I took myself off to the lab and got another poke in the arm. My nurse Practitioner must have really railed on the tech because when she saw me she was quick to avoid my eyes and left the room. I felt kind of bad for her, a dedicated patient advocate can be very passionate, shall we say, about their work.
Now it's a few days of waiting, again. Thankfully my doctors clinic is affiliated with a large hospital and the blood work can be done on site.
There's a part of me deep down inside that has a feeling that I have not cleared the virus. I don't know if it's a result of a lifelong pattern of coping with the uncertain by always preparing for the worst, or something else. It may be the fact that I still don't feel "better", at least not as "better" as I'd like to be.
Whatever it is, I have learned through treatment and other challenging life experiences, that worrying changes nothing but one's own contentment and the best we can do is, as they used to say back in the day, is to "keep on truckin"
Wishing You all a happy, restful weekend!

Here's Eva's link  http://evaday.blogspot.com/2011/03/hcv-and-next-taboo-shadows-beyond.html?showComment=1300984661807#c2683809668847465530



© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

The Journey Ahead, keep pushing!

"When you find yourself in Hell, just keep going" Winston Churchill

What better advice for anyone of treatment! I initially thought of childbirth when I first saw this quote. For anyone who has had a baby you know there comes a point where it's pretty unbearable, but you realize the only way out is through. So you push through the pain to get that baby out! In that situation there's no option to stay put in your misery (as with depression, addiction or other slower painful experiences) Treatment is similar in a sense. Of course there is always the option to give up, to say forget it I can't take this anymore I'm quitting", but ultimately most people decide that since they've already endured some misery they might as well keep going hoping for a positive end result. Just as we get through childbirth one contraction at a time, one push at a time, we get through treatment one day at a time, one week at a time, sometimes one hour at a time...but as long as we keep pushing on we find ourselves out the other end reborn and with a whole new stage of life ahead of us.
I'm saying this in hopes of providing some encouragement, some "labor coaching" for all of you who are in that dark place where you question your ability to continue. Breathe deep, find a focal point and remember at the end there is a new life.




© 2011 Jennifer Hazard

EOT...Continued

Hello Fellow Hep C-ers.
 As I mentioned in my last post I was a little dismayed by the grindingly slow return to some kind of normalcy, or at least functionality not being one to be known for "normalcy"
As of today a month has passed since my last interferon shot and I can say I am starting to feel some bits and pieces of Jenny waking up from their 11 month slumber, slowly squinting their eyes against the light, stretching our limbs and thinking about what lies ahead.
For the past week I have been out of the house at least once daily, I have done some house work at least once daily and have gotten caught up on some paperwork and correspondences that I'd been putting off for quite some time. I have gone out for coffee and on other small journeys with friends and family and I spent an entire day protesting in Madison Wisconsin.
That may not sound like a lot to most people, or to people who haven't experienced health problems, but as many of you know this is a virtual flurry of social activity compared to the past year. As I write this I feel ready to doze off. I just completed a post for my other blog and had spent the morning at my daughters house, after walking quite a distance to the bus and them came home to a delicious meal. As I mentioned in my last post this is a matter of balancing renewed activity with proper self care and rest. I can see how it would be easy to suddenly jump into action only to end up worn out or sick. as it is I've already had an ear infection and now have an abscessed tooth and am on antibiotics. But some of that is to be expected, even under "normal" conditions...and so we move forward, one day at a time, re-emerging into a new phase of life

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard