I've been "writing" my New Years blogs in my mind (yeah that's how I roll) all week. This time of year I like to take stock of the past year, do a little self inventory as they say in recovery, and then think about what I'd like to see happen in the upcoming year. You might notice I don't use words like, “goals", "life plan" or "resolutions". I never really learned about the concept of "goals" until later in life and for some reason (unfamiliarity? Corporate overuse?) the word still makes me bristle a bit.
In keeping with the recurring theme of irony that is my life, it was about the time that I began to internalize the concept and actually create some goals that life yanked the tablecloth out from under my neatly arranged plans like a second rate magician trying unsuccessfully to pull the tablecloth from under the china. My finely laid table was a shambles of chipped china, scattered silver and spilled glasses. Like most survivors I know how to pick up the pieces that are still useful, repair what I can and discard the rest.
Resetting my table is pretty much the forte, and maybe that's why I have always avoided planning ahead. I'm certain that there are many people out there who will insist that recurring chaos is the result of poor planning rather than an excuse for it and they are probably right, and yet so am I. If I've learned one thing in this life it is that seemingly paradoxical truths can exist and be valid at the same time. On a good day life is a theater of the absurd in my eyes, on a bad day well; let's just say I lose my sense of humor at times.
As far as resolutions or goals, I'm functioning on a pretty primal level right now. Goal 1) Eat more than once a day. Goal 2) Get out of bed every day. Yeah, ambition is not high on the list right now. On the other hand I have accomplished several things I probably would not have if I'd been working full time. I have two regular blogs that I do a fair job of keeping up with. I have been designing my own website which is actually finally presentable (see link at bottom of page). I've done a lot of crafting and artwork I've always wanted to do. I've gotten to know many people online in various communities who share many of the same interests and concerns that I am passionate about. And I've spent a lot of quality time with my family both human and four legged.
The Big question mark hovers over the statement "after treatment..." It's difficult to even visualize that place, the place that exists beyond treatment like some kind of magical isle that disappears into the mist. As synchronicity would have it I recently stumbled across a post by one of my fellow Hep C bloggers that pretty well sums up the mists that obfuscate the future and allow us to cherish each day as it is. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did http://ianquill.blogspot.com/
© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
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www.nanakoosasplace.com www.whitewaveconsulting.org
check "em out, I'd love some feedback.
Thank You and have a blessed and healthy 2011!!!
Hey Jen, A superb piece and I hear every word as though I wrote it myself way back when...
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else we have been given the opportunity to explore our inner most self and maybe a more creative, gentle understanding being will emerge from that mist which now blinds us.
Thank you for my mention and the kind words that accompany it, just by reching someone who understood gave great comfort to me and likewise, I hope it does for you. We hear you, we feel it with you and we will be waiting when you emerge.
Take care Jen, and don't beat yourself up about goals - with everyday that passes you are achieving more than many ever do in a lifetime.
Ian x