Last post I addressed the sense of Victimization that some of experience when faced with challenges. For some of us, yes me, the Victim role is like an old comfy piece of clothing. It's comfortable, but out of style and threadbare; it's no longer flattering or particularly useful. And yet, you can't bring yourself to throw it away.
When I got the news yesterday that my end of treatment date is Feb 11th naturally I was relieved. Finally an end to this crazy sick fever dream I've been living in for most of the past year. And yet I found myself feeling, well, a little afraid. I realized that when treatment ends that means I have to venture into my proverbial closet and find a new outfit and it can't be the comfy cloak of Victimhood that I have, quite honestly, donned too often throughout the past year.
After freaking out about that for a while I realized for the 100,00th time that panic has never made any situation more manageable. I don't have to have all the answers yet. I still need time to recover, to (hopefully) get my thought processes a little more clear and if I keep following my heart I will know what's right for me.
I also realized that I've been feeling a little pressured by others, some well meaning, others critical and judgmental, that there is this expectation that I will return to work and life will be normal. Frankly I don't see myself working full time, but I may have some opportunities for flexible work. Disability allows recipients a certain number of hour’s employment, and if I could supplement my fixed income a bit, feel useful and still have time for my writing and self care. I think I'd be living a pretty sweet life. It's an empty page, not empty but filled with notes, scribbles and ideas. I like to think of myself as an explorer, an adventurer seeking to discover my own passage, my own path to the next chapter. When I look at it that way, as opposed to the confused, frightened Victim I realize I can take that little girl by the hand and say "hey kid, it's gonna be ok, I'm gonna show you the world and you'll never have to be afraid again.
Image Courtesy of The Graphics Fairy
The victim role for many of us has become almost innate. As abused children we were truly a victim. Were were helplessness when we should have been hopeful. We were fearful, when a normal child should have been taught to be secure. We were hungry for so much, when many others were over-flowing with love and opportunity.
ReplyDeleteAnd so we find ourselves thrust into adulthood. At first, this is a relief, we think that we are free from our torment and the abusers that oppressed us. And then we find that man who says all the right things and swears that he will love us forever and protect us from all the evils of the world. And he keeps his promise, but his love is toxic and while he protects us from the outside world, it is behind closed doors that his harm is administered. At so, our once hopeful young adult selves must revert to our childhood role in order to self-protect.
And so now, as adults, we wonder why we are so quick to retreat into the childhood role of the victim. But I don't ask why self "why" we do this, I ask myself "why not?" The reality is, we haven't been given the tools. Oh we're learning and we are seeking out this info (hence my articles and your blogs); we are trying to heal ourselves under the guise of helping others. But every time we are scared, or unsure, or sad, or angry... the only we really "know" to do is to assume the position of the victim.
Kudos to you to keeping this conversation going.