Letter from Santa

Hey There kids!!!!
Santa just wants to say sorry there's not much going on this year for the Holidays. Santa's been really tired lately and somehow every time Santa goes to the workshop foggy headed-ness and apathy sink in.
See, Santa picked up a little virus back on the 80's. It was probably one of those damn Elf parties...those guys are crazy! Anyway we were all sharing candy canes and, well things were just a little different back then for Santa.
So now Santa's working really hard to get better so we can all enjoy life and the Holidays like we used to. Unfortunately "working hard" in this  case LOOKS like not doing much of anything, and paradoxically it is. Santa needs lots of rest to help the medicine work.
So Kiddos, Santa loves you all and that's why Santa's doing this nasty treatment...so we can enjoy many more Christmases together!
Peace and Joy to All!
S. Claus


© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

For What it's Worth

Week 40 (roughly) and I do mean roughly. I no longer recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I have lost
 35 lbs, I already have a thin face which now seems skeletal at certain angles. I've cut my hair the shortest it's been since the Punk era. I don't bother to put on make up anymore so the circles under my eyes are making their own fashion statement. You don't even want to know what's going on under my clothes, let's just say I've aged quite a bit this past year.
When I run into people that I haven't seen for a while, I can see the skepticism in their eyes when they ask "are you sure it's worth it? for a coin toss?"
 Is it worth it?
Who really knows? If I achieve SVR of course it will be worth it. If I slow down the progression of the disease, yeah probably worth it. If I don't clear the virus? Who knows? Who knows what progression the virus would've taken if I hadn't treated? This is a quirky disease, it doesn't play by the rules, you never know when it's going to sneak up on you...or not.
But isn't that the way life is, really? Are there any certainties? Decisions have to be made on a daily basis, some bigger than others.When you are faced with a chronic medical condition, some choices have more at stake.
After lots of research, conversations with  others who've been through this, meeting with my doctors and completing all the testing (I'll never forget 15 vials of blood at the lab) I ultimately went with my intuition when deciding to treat. I've learned to trust my gut, most of this education was bestowed upon me as a result of the consequences of not trusting my gut! Once I have made a decision, I typically don't look back. I may end up changing my course somewhere down the road but once my mind is set the wheels are in motion and there's nowhere to go but forward. Granted I've made some, shall we say, unwise decisions in my days, but I've made some damn good ones too. Everything that has manifested is, I believe, part of the lesson I'm here on this earth to learn.
So is it worth it?

Of course

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

Miss Cranky Pants

Hello All,

So yesterday was shot number....hell, I don't know; feels like one too many though. I must say I've generally been feeling a bit better lately, especially emotionally. I have been able to view this experience through a wider lens and instead of feeling trapped inside every aching moment  I've reminded myself that hardship has the potential to allow us to gain wisdom. (if that's the case I should be some sort of Guru by now) But seriously we only gain wisdom if we choose it; we can choose to become bitter, angry, resentful...you know the list. I've realized however that part of being wise is acknowledging the fact that we are not perfect, we are not Gurus, we don't know it all and we don't walk around in a Blessed State of Serenity, at least not all the time. Acceptance is perhaps the better part of wisdom (that may be an actual quote that's been floating around in my subconscious, if so I apologize for not giving credit)
So today, I'm allowing myself to be pissed. I'm pissed that I'm having a bad day and an experiencing "flu like symptoms" and I'm hungry and too sick to go to the grocery store and I'm pissed that I feel whiny. So there.
One thing I have figured out, on the emotional/psychological front, is that there are days I wake up feeling like crap, but I can push through it and end up having a decent day. Mornings are the worst for me, until I get something to eat, some coffee and water, I think I'm sick. For a long time I only listened to my morning self, not a trusty source, and just didn't do anything. I'm always pleasantly surprised when I find out that Morning Jenny, aka Miss Cranky Pants, is wrong, she's just being cranky and not wanting to get out of bed.
But then there are other days, like today, where I ignore miss Cranky Pants and go try to accomplish something only to realize I feel like I'm about to keel over or throw up, in no certain order. Today is one of those days.
One more boulder on the climb to the top of the mountain where the Wise old Guru sits,  laughing at the Human Comedy.

© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
Photo of Crabby Girl courtesy of the Graphics Fairy,
http://graphicsfairy.blogspot.com/